


Reality Check

by moosh



Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-07
Updated: 2013-03-07
Packaged: 2017-12-04 13:22:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/711212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moosh/pseuds/moosh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James and Richard have a talk the morning after.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reality Check

**Author's Note:**

> **This is set some time February 2007. For the purpose of this story James is and has always been openly gay and Sarah doesn't exist. (Sorry, gurl.)**
> 
> This is my first go at writing Top Gear fan fiction, and I think I want to write a longer series. This is the first scene that popped into my head though so I thought I'd write it up and put it out there to gauge reaction before I commit to writing a longer story. Let me know what you think! Thanks!

James rolled over and was not at all surprised to discover that Richard wasn't there. He sighed, ran his hands through his hair, and wrapped his arms around Richard's pillow and pulled it toward his chest.  
  
“I'm still here.” Richard said quietly, startling James.  
  
“Christ, you scared the shit out of me.” James said jumping up and noticing Richard sitting in the chair on the opposite side of the room. He wasn't sure what time it was, but it was still dark out and the only light in the room came from the street lamps outside. “Are you ok?”  
  
“Yeah, I'm fine.”  
  
They sat there in silence for a moment and James had just about decided to lay back down when Richard let out a sigh and finally spoke.  
  
“James, when did you tell your family that you were, well, gay?”  
  
James sat up properly and rubbed his eyes. “This is what's been bugging you? Coming out? We could just go and start snogging in front of the BBC, someone's bound to notice.”  
  
Richard let out an irritated sigh and shook his head. “Nevermind.”  
  
James thought that a bit of sarcasm might stave off what was sure to become a rather heavy conversation. He'd come out over 20 years ago and, admittedly, was always a little puzzled by people who managed to make it deep into their 30's without admitting to themselves that they were gay. As he'd been told many times though, everyone's journey was different, so he gave being sensitive a shot.  
  
“I'm sorry. What's on your mind, Hamster?”  
  
“I have a lot on my mind...but seriously though, when did you tell your parents? And your brother and sisters? How did they take it?”  
  
James took a deep breath. “Well, I started by sort of admitting it to myself when I was 13 and discovered that I was in love with my maths teacher. Then I decided that was bollocks so I spent a few years getting drunk and trying to kiss girls at parties, which never went well. Then when I was 17 I told my older sister that I might be, maybe, _possibly_ , interested in boys.”  
  
“How'd that go?”  
  
“Honestly, I was so nervous that I was shaking. It was the late 70's in South Yorkshire and being gay wasn't exactly a viable option. She was really, really good about it though.” He paused, thinking back to that time. The free love hippies were running rampant and the sexual revolution was in full swing, but it certainly hadn't reached his gray, dreary corner of the world yet. “I told my brother and other sister after I'd started University. My brother was _very_ put off by the whole idea at first, but he came round eventually.”  
  
“And your parents?”  
  
“I told them _officially_ when I was 23 I guess. I had my first real boyfriend and I wanted to bring him round for dinner.”  
  
Richard smiled. “What did they say?”  
  
“They said it was fine. My mum admitted that they already _knew_ and that they were good with it and they still loved me and so on and so forth. It was all right. Awkward, especially when it came to some of the extended family, but mostly ok. I never got beat down or thrown into conversion therapy or anything, if that's what you're fishing for.”  
  
“No, not at all. Sorry. I just. I don't know...”  
  
“Look, I don't know how long my parents knew,” James continued. “but it was probably ages and they had a bit of a head start adjusting to the idea. If you're worried about your family or about...Mindy, I mean, they might already know on some level. If I'm honest though, I don't think it's going to be a walk in the park for you, mate. I'm sorry.”  
  
“I know my mum and dad aren't going to take it particularly well.” Richard said, again avoiding the subject of Mindy. She was the reason James had been against this relationship from the beginning. He'd sworn off closeted married men a while ago, but Richard was damn persistent. He knew that he shouldn't have given in to his advances, but he'd always had issues thinking with his proper head when it came to sex. James gained a lot of respect for Mindy after watching her deal with Richard's accident, and ever since this thing between he and Richard started he constantly felt guilty. He decided to overlook the Mindy situation again for the time being. Mostly because he didn't feel like getting into another argument just yet, and also because Richard did seem more than a little distressed about talking to his parents.  
  
“It wasn't perfect with my parents, you know. It took a lot of time before it seemed like they were totally comfortable with everything. They were also really, really scared for a long time. I think they still are a bit.”  
  
“Scared? Of what?”  
  
“It was the mid-80's Hammond. AIDS.”  
  
“Oh. Right.”  
  
“It wasn't as bad here as it was in the States, but it was still here. And it was bloody terrifying. No one knew what was going on.”  
  
“Did you know anyone who got sick?”  
  
“Of course.”  
  
There was a long silence while Richard absorbed what James had said, and he felt a bit uneasy. AIDS was never something that he put too much thought into. Sure, he always tried to be safe when having sex, but that was more to prevent pregnancy. He never really worried about HIV. Richard tried to pose his next question in the least offensive way possible.  
  
“Were you ever...I mean, did you always...have you always been...safe? Have you ever been tested?” Maybe this was a question he should have asked before they had sex.  
  
James smiled with a laugh. “You have nothing to worry about, I promise. We've used condoms and I've been tested _many_ of times.”  
  
“Really? _Many_ times? How many guys have you been with?” He asked playfully.  
  
“A few. Look, I'm not into the idea of anonymous sex in dark corners anymore, but I did go a little crazy when I got to University. There weren't a ton of us out at my school, so we all got passed around a bit and that could get boring. A group of us would go down to London on weekends and indulge...”  
  
“...in anonymous gay sex in dark corners? Jesus, James.” Richard laughed.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Nothing, I just. I had no idea. I didn't think you had it in you.”  
  
“It was a long time ago.” James said solemnly. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second before continuing the story. “It was stupid, and honestly I wasn't always safe...I'm so fucking lucky Hammond, you have no idea. One of my mates from school found out that he was sick right before graduation. He and I had gotten _together_ a few times over the years and he told me that I should probably get tested right away. I'd never been tested before then.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“Because I was a self destructive idiot. And I guess I thought I was invincible. Looking back, I think that I didn't want to destroy the fantasy life that we'd created. The only reason Charlie got tested was because he noticed these weird scabs on his neck that ended up being KS. He told me late on a Friday, which meant that I had to wait until Monday to even go to the right doctor. Then I had to wait a few more days for the results. It was awful. It was the worst week of my life. I was so sure that I was sick and I was ready to throw myself off of a bridge or something. Three years of weekends in London add up quickly.”  
  
Richard just stared at James in awe. He had no idea what to say and couldn't quite believe what was coming out of his mouth.  
  
“But then I ended up being ok. It was a huge wake up call and it put me off sex for a while. When I started up again I was so cautious that for years I'm sure that all of my sexual encounters were cleaner than an operating room. For a long time I got tested every three months.”  
  
“What happened to Charlie?”  
  
“He died within the year.”  
  
“Wow. Holy shit James, I'm sorry.” Richard had no idea why James was telling him this, but he didn't want to stop him. After all, it didn't seem like he was upset, so there must be a point. He was being very matter of fact. Very James.  
  
“It forced a lot of us to grow up a bit and fight back.” James said standing up for the first time. “Well, I guess I never did much fighting.” He continued as he crossed the room toward the bathroom. He kept talking while he peed. “Maybe I should have gotten more involved with the _movement_ , but that just wasn't me.”  
  
He flushed and came back into the room, sitting on the edge of the bed closer to Richard. “I send them loads of money. They do good work, and it's amazing how far we've come. I'm just not the kind of person who walks down the street draped in rainbows. I know a lot of people think that I'm ashamed of who I am, but I'm not. I'm _really_ not. I just never wanted the fact that I was gay to define my entire existence. Some people think that's a load of bollocks and we could argue about it forever, I'm sure, but I stopped caring a long time ago. I do what I do and I like what I like. And every couple weeks I get another letter from some kid saying that me being gay and being on Top Gear and it not being a big deal is somehow making it easier for them. And that makes me feel good, it makes me feel like I'm doing something right.”  
  
“Why are you telling me all of this?”  
  
“Fuck if I know.” James paused for a moment and thought about what he wanted to say next. “I like this. I like us. It works somehow. But I think we need a dose of reality here. We're both in the public eye, you especially since the accident. You've been cheating on your wife, which you have to start acknowledging to yourself because it's true, and you've been doing it with a man who happens to be one of your co-presenters. And I'm at fault here too because I should never have let it get this far. This is going to be juicy tabloid fodder for weeks. I know that you love Mindy and that you don't want to hurt her or the girls, but I'm not interested in lying or hiding because that's not who I am.”  
  
“Your point?”  
  
“My point is that if you aren't willing to tackle this thing head on then I think we just need to end it right now. I'm willing to give it a go because I've got nothing to hide. I...I love you, Hammond. I do. I think we could make this work, though it would be hard for a while and people might get hurt. Once the dust settled though, I think it could be all right. I even think we could manage to keep the show afloat. But I also think that you've got a lot more to lose in this situation than I do, so...I guess I'm giving you a way out. If you want it.”  
  
“I don't know what I want.” Richard said, standing up and moving towards this window. “This is all so fucked. I never set out to hurt Mindy, and I love Izz and Will more than anything in this world...it's just never felt _right_ , you know?”  
  
“Yes, because you're gay.”  
  
Richard just stared at him.  
  
“Come on Richard,” James teased “I know you can do it. Put on your big boy trousers. You can say it out loud. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I'll even say it with you. _Because I'm gay_.”  
  
Richard hesitated before quickly saying “Because I'm gay.” It was the first time that he'd ever said the words 'I'm gay' out loud when referring to himself, and James knew that.  
  
“See? Was that so hard?”  
  
“You don't know what it was like growing up with my father.”  
  
“You're 37 years old, mate. Stop using him as an excuse. He can't hurt you any more.”  
  
There was another long silence.  
  
“Well this has been a thoroughly depressing conversation, thanks James.”  
  
“You started it.”  
  
Richard sat down next to James on the bed and buried his face into his hands for a moment. “Look, I know that I have a lot of stuff to sort out. Everything that you said was true, but I just don't have an answer right now.”  
  
“Then I don't think we should keep seeing each other like this until you do.”  
  
“I have to see you in about 4 hours to film a show.”  
  
“Yes, but you don't have to send me text messages the whole time explaining what you want to do to me after. You should go home tonight. Maybe talk to Mindy.”  
  
“I will. I'll figure this out, I promise.”  
  
“I'll be here no matter what.”  
  
“Can I at least take a shower downstairs? I'll leave when I'm done.”  
  
James laughed. “Where are you going to go?”  
  
“I don't know.”  
  
“You can stay here until we have to go to the studio. We just have to keep our trousers on the whole time.”  
  
“Even in the shower?”  
  
“Especially in the shower.”  
  
They both laughed again, and Richard leaned over and gave James a quick kiss. “I love you too, by the way. Don't think that I missed little admission. Now, I'm going to go downstairs and have a very cold shower so that I have a chance of making it though breakfast without jumping over the table and ravishing you.” he said with a grin heading toward the door.  
  
“I can tie you to the chair if you'd like.”  
  
“Even better.”


End file.
